I was in Timmy’s recently for a coffee and carrot muffin, when I suddenly realized I had a desperate need to fart. There were a lot of people standing around and I didn’t want to give up my seat. The music was really, really loud so I timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me! And suddenly I remembered ……I was listening to my iPod ……………….. and how was your day?
2012 NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT
Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2012. Well, I have my own candidate; and I’m sure that once you know who I’m voting for, you will also agree.
For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as our President. Not Hilary…My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special lady who has the answers to all of our problems.
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!
Very eloquently put………..don’t you think?
PLEASE give her your thoughtful consideration…
Maxine on “Driver Safety”
“I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”…….
Maxine on “Housework”
“I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.”
Maxine on “Lawn Care”
“The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
Maxine on “The Perfect Man”
“All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”
Maxine on “Technology Revolution”
“My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.”
Maxine on “Aging”
“Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.”
“I’m telling you …. she’s the perfect candidate.”
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive: highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and
pierced navels? (Now that’s scary!)
Money can’t buy happiness–but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching somewhere…you may be dead.
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AS YOU SLIDE DOWN THE BANISTER OF LIFE, REMEMBER:
1. Jimmy Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called
‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People’
2. My mind works like lightning – One brilliant flash and then it’s gone.
3. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
4. My idea of Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself
5. I hate sex at the movies. Tried it once – the seat folded up, the drink spilled and That Ice, well it really chilled the mood
6. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling too.
7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house
8. My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines and a large trash can.
AS YOU SLIDE DOWN THE BANISTER OF LIFE, MAY THE SPLINTERS NEVER POINT THE WRONG WAY!
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